drained

i am so tired
and i'm not even employed presently
been a long time since i've been out of work this long
save trips out of the country

i hurt i tell him
he asks my body or my soul
my soul i respond
my soul i repeat

i'm trying to play tough
but i am so tired of getting over it
i don't know who i am anymore
say my name and i wouldn't know it

i remember when i wrote
last call for the asshole ball
i remember thinking
this is it, that's all

and when i asked the wanderer
to go about his business
and that is just what he did
his wife and family his new interest

and casper oh casper
behind jail bars he sends
all his love all his heart
to his little boy and me, his friend

trolie-- in georgia
with the peach but not really
in prison his fate
and the latter doing lines freely

and she's an alcoholic
she smokes up her dreams
she just keeps running
she's never quite good enough it seems

he wants to cry
he wants to chase
the whiskey with water
he's reaching for his face

she lost her brothers
the sad story continues
never to be mentioned
just running the loop

she's lost her sons
she lost her house
the dog pissed on the rug again
she feels like a mouse

he drums
its all he ever knew
then met me
and that's all he wanted to do

he got on a plane
he boarded the bus
she caught the train
escaping the us

she's leaving specificity
out of her words
he's ignoring the feelings
with his silent swords

she wants him to sit on her feet
squeeze on to a sofa and hover
hold her all night real tight
cause its all going to be over

over

getting over it

so tired of this verb
so tired of this herb

getting closer

on lovers

they dress the part to prove that 'something' to the world
it is a show, put on for the audience of their lives
and cozy and comfortable it is
what a pair they say
and your relationship becomes the height of talk
drifting upon the lips of many a friend
many a foe

well he does that because...
she always does this...
that's why he...
what? how could you say that?...
no no no it's him...
but if she didn't...
than he wouldn't...
and if none of the above
what is there really?

boredom staring into the eyes of boredom
drama staring into the eyes of drama
for the sake of something to bitch about
what a trend
the game 'bitchfest'
let's talk about everything that is fucked up
let's give in to the substance abuse
domestic violence
opressed silence

what ever happened to putting your heart on the line?
not safety, not childish endeavors of drunk driving
nor glaze for days, breathalizers and games
what ever happened to honesty?

so many masks, so many obstacles
just to get a little closer
one's whole life built around getting closer to another person
put like that, i think, what's wrong with that?

aha! but there is something disturbing
something never quite settled in that gut of yours
because after all of this chess playing is done
after the moving in, getting a pet, sharing a home
split the bills and have breakfast in bed
explore your bodies and meet the family
what is left?
happiness ever after?
you, someday, telling stories of 'once upon a time'

how 'bout once upon a time there was youth
there was where i could have been some body
those naked nights of young
useless nights of drink
coughing up a lung
so much money to pretend
so many unaccountable nights for a fight
getting aggression out
all to the wrong people
guns pointed at the wrong lover
the wrong mother
doesn't even look like my father
never could be my brother

but nonetheless here lies the blame
never me
always you
never you
always me

so chase him down
i think you're catching up
put your fool foot forward
leave your dignity out of the room

no one really wants the truth
not these days
that's not the cocktail of choice
oh no
never that
johnny walker black. neat please.

fucked. insecore. neurotic. emotional.

just can't stop writing
my addiction
my alcohol
my drug

sucking me up these letters they do
swallowing up those sparkles on your face
they remind me of stars
that star i thought i could someday be

but be...
what the fuck does that mean really

i listen to my nails smash against this keyboard
i'm stomping these feelings, tucking them away

and his goal, he says, is to remove his make-up
mine is to keep it on
can it, will it hide all this residue of you
does it reach the criteria of a woman in control

i'm popping out these eyelashes
maybe it will distract the hurt
apparantly not, though, the cab driver was a witness
saw my swagger as my body passed the headlights

god, not quite the actress i thought i was
not quite that sister
that daughter
that friend

i'll just keep singing songs
that's all that feels right
they explain all
but never enough
but fuck! something has got to suffice

certainly words
absolutely writing
somewhere when looking back at these combinations of letters
there is an answer
i hope
i wait

my heart breaks sometimes
but i wouldn't expect you to understand
what a dramatist!
what ache goes on in this one mind
what pain in the middle of my chest

i don't believe it
this is perpetuated
instigated
created

but creation is real
okay
fine
true

but i am responsible for the condition i am in
and i am in the proccess of accepting this state
and i will change it all right now

give my self some credit
here i go
i have to go get my wife and her man
too drunk to drive
too real to ignore

addictions and their needs
abuse in it's finest

one more for the record

i'm a crazy bitch
i'm a writer
i document
my life
your life

i like to experience things
specifically you
i take joy in taking you in
watching you change

i eat your imperfections
i drink your tears
i dance to your laughter
i rock to your song

i believe in shit like that
i'm a cheese
i'd like to think chevre or brie
but sometimes just good old velveeta

i root for intimacy
i cheer for getting personal
i'm all for sharing
i'm all for giving

come to my house and my family will cook you a meal
come into my life and i will wear your heart
because i love
i fear
i scare

i'm just fucking me
i wish i could hold back
i wish i could bite my tongue
not feel
not tell

i live in the now
please don't take me away
be with me
or don't be here at all

for fucks sake
i am a lady!
i document you
you are a stain even when you are not present
but i believe present time is present time

so fucking me i am
downright emotional
and i'm demanding

so throw me out
it's okay
do what you have to do
put it on that oxygen mask
and i will put on mine

sometimes we'll do it together
sometimes it just wasn't meant to be
but please, by all means do it
i don't really exist
i'm just a moment
just one moment documented

yes

when playing with fire it is important to be aware that you just might get burned
learning to not expect much is quite a task, but one i frequent
and so it goes, pain is second nature
so heavy the blows, but only because of the sweet pleasure
of you and i leaping off the deep end
making it all like that vacation in south bend
but this is not life
this is not real
so yes to the moments of yes
pass over this body
pass on this lady
still considered blessed
no no i didn't forget
--those butterflies so beautiful
a warm and fuzzy for the ride
but dishonesty does not slide
lack of courtesy is not my style
so dead the butterflies are
yesterday, last week, last year so far
life before you, life changed because of you
too many people to love
so many places to get lost
somewhere between a neck and a shoulder
some place between hazy eyes and a breakfast touch
remember when we walked that street
pretending this was real
but stop pretending is my motto
and yours was always 'i don't know'
'k'
'hmmm'
'good answer'
and good they were
they were all of me
they are part of me

deep breaths come to visit me
i'm exhaling you out
so many quick fixes
just quick meals in a kitchen on fire
so it goes, so it goes
i'm mopping up the butterflies
doing inventory on the damages
gotta build this place up again
expecting visitors shortly
and this place better be in top notch condition
business as usual

here she comes

seems these days disasters are getting closer and closer together
between earthquakes, fires and floods
our new car and designer clothes aren't looking too hot

seems to be we're all in a race for power
all about conquering spaces that are not our home
in vein, no less
so on and on the bombs explode
again and again let's blow up that destroy this
makes us feel better
at least we have our play station
at least we have a pillow full of feather

but all that shit doesn't matter
presidents, world leaders alike
terrorists united
---mother nature is back to remind us.
reminding us while we're busy fucking eachother up
shitting on our planet
and smiling about it
she's fucking us ten fold
she's blowing our shit out of the water
setting us on fire
she's colorblind

i think she's just pissed

visitors

you don't see a lot of flies at night
i'm watching one right now
making its way off of the french doors

what spectacular doors
they look out to the backyard
yes, might as well call it club basco
this little spot in downey

and oh many a face come and pass through this door
many a new, many an old
it's like we used to say
it's a dinner table

the dinner table
made up of many chairs
not any specific numeric
however what does count here
are the people occupying the seats

here is a place for the permanance
the family usually
sitting atop of chairs built from history
and childhood rivalry
learning how to walk
getting treats from the ice cream truck

then reserved seating for the 'might as well be family'
cause your so damn close you bear witness to the turbulence
not just the earthquakes in your life,
the earthquakes that occur at the table
the earthquakes that involve the whole
you might not be at every meal, but there is
always a seat of your design awaiting you

then seats prepared for the visitors
those who come and go as they please
always entertained
always honored to have them
they drop in for a meal every once and awhile
always about them, never about us
they come with tears, with their stories and luggage of life
they come with pain, enter the hurt
but they will always leave smiling
feel a little less heavy
and always welcome back

there goes that fly again
i opened the door to let it out into the world
it doesn't want to leave
so here it will stay on this chair beside me
buzzing with me tonight
just this night

done

alright so maybe i'm not done
welcome to the freak show
admission is a fake smile and empty words
just that and you are gladly accepted

validation till the end in these four walls of lady basco
so swallow as many lollipops as you can
take a stick and smash my home
steal all those antiques on the wall
rerecord over the home movies
burn my written words
spit on the spoken ones
rip the couches at the seams
take my time take my time take my time
paint over the pictures
and call it art
or not

if nothing, when you leave this circus, you'll have a great story
remember that time
aw snap! that was fucked up!
but it was good times!

and i'll be cleaning up after you
and i won't even complain
i'll fight that tear till the fucking end
and will always call you a friend
because that's the kind of freak show this is

and you thought you were going to get off easy
oh no
i will remember you
and i will always love you
and i will leave you
alone

just before my eyes close

slowly going insane again sanely...
oh yes, sanely i cry sanely i scream
as insanity is my composure
insanity is my silence
... i remember that girl
and apparently she has not left me yet

i welcome you
to drink my red red wine
my door has opened
my heart, a piece just for you
but what of it when there is nothing else to give
how much more can you eat
how much more can you smoke
so many nows
so many 'if only's

throw me out already
a washed up poem
a weak knee
i want to talk about it all
i want the alphabet to crumble and fall

kiss my eyelids
dance on top of these scattered words
crash into this mirror and remind me again why we know eachother
why me
why you
what the fuck are you doing here

perchance happenings lace everyday
and i snort every last bit of this pen
then wink out every emotion of you
too much to write
too many words to read
too many you
always you

sane
sane
sane

you

my body rocked. alone it did.
my eyes were locked. no qualms i have.
to stand alone and take you in.
to stand and rock in this skin.
i'm that fool in the crowd.
returning and returning.
reminded and reminded.
i am a visitor.
no qualms i have.
to stand alone and take you in.
to stand and rock in this skin.
and your girl, so sweet.
and her shoes, so familiar.
my wife gave me the same pair recently.
but in her shoes it seems i will never be.
but who am i to go crazy about it.
i have mine, and you've got yours.
and beautiful it is.
and beautiful the days.
to be young and in love. to be in love.
blessed.
so it goes. the heart beats faster.
i get a little sad when i'm around you.
i get a little sad when i'm not.
but so it goes. here we are.
visitors in each other's night.
all my 'if only' wrapped up in a hug so tight.
and as we departed my body rocked.
off balance you threw me my eyes locked.
on you in my mind but no qualms i've got.
to walk without you and take you in.
to walk away and leave you to do your thing.
and as a lady does i thank you for being you.
and the gentleman that you are you thank me for showing up.
and you say you forgot how pretty.
it was the make-up. it was the dress. it was the shoes. it was for you.
so take it in and let it out. a toast to the crashes. company for the creep.
because i don't belong here.
my body rocks.
my heart locks.
'if only' never to begin.
blessed to take you in.