wanted to clean out my car today
get it smogged
check the tires
washed
get it ready for my baby boy.
but i had to get some work done on the computer first
while my daughter is at school.
then i got sucked in to the vortex that is the internet
clicking through some old faces i haven't seen in awhile.
some faces i really miss.
and as i scrolled through these faces
i came to realize that my life is pretty large.
and with a life this large
it takes a lot of 'giving a fuck'.
but 'giving a fuck' comes at a price.
lost my grandma last year.
lost the house we grew up in, too.
i fear
i will never see my cousins
as comfortable in their skin
as i did when we were all gathered in that house.
one of my cousins was gracious enough to lend us his in-laws barn
for our winter get together,
a place they frequently use to throw events on their property.
it was lovely seeing most of us together
but it wasn't the same.
we looked displaced.
a family with once strong roots,
now orphaned
without an anchor.
i guess...
people pass,
environments change.
you know, i never did.
often times when folks lose a good thing
they don't realize the value of it till it's long gone,
they take it for granted.
but i never did.
i believed in it.
that staircase that held my years,
the laundry room that marked our youth,
the kitchen and all it's noise,
the family room's songs,
the raised foyer that served as our stage,
the wall my brother spread his poop all over
using it as paint hoping no one would notice,
the mirror closet door i used to give myself a haircut
when i was 4,
the towel cabinet on the second floor
that i always thought was the best hiding place...
no i took it.
for all that it was.
for all of it's history before me, through me, in absence of me.
and now the absence of all of us.
it's not ours anymore.
it's not home.
some people go through this life and opt to not care much
about people, faces, spaces, memories.
they don't participate, or keep up with the folks that were part of their lives.
maybe they're better for it.
maybe i would be better for it
if i just didn't care.
about people, their faces, our spaces, our memories.
maybe i'd be cleaning out my car by now
getting it smogged
the tires checked
a good wash
ready for this baby boy.
but how could i possibly ever be ready for this baby boy
if i don't honor my feelings
acknowledge this loss
this anger
pay respect to the history we came from
so we can navigate through this new unanchored future.
for grandma: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opE...
for grandpa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo-...
